In luv with legilus Revisited: Now With Commentary
by AlexAmericus
Summary: Obvious troll fiction is SO. PAINFULLY. OBVIOUS! If it is not a troll fiction I would be surprised and mostly likely lose all hope in humanity, as the spelling, grammar, characters, and non existent plot are all horrendous enough to give me night terrors. This commentary is extremely short, it only took me thirty minutes. Rated 'T' for my sailor mouth, as always.
1. I am wasting my time with this intro

I decided to take a break from reading actual good fanfiction and writing my college paper and do a very quick commentary.

I am not joking, this commentary only took me a measly thirty minutes.

This is probably one of the most obvious troll fictions ever. However; on the off chance that is isn't - I have lost all faith in humanity. How stupid would you have to be to write dribble like that? It's well beyond my sanity and comprehension.

This 'fanfiction,' if it can even be called that, was so short that you probably could've fit the whole concept of it in a single tweet. What the hell is that malarkey? I was considering not even posting an introduction to this.

Anyway, this 'fanfiction' was recommended by **Cupcake155**. Go read their stuff Minions, as I believe in supporting fellow authors that support you.

**BIG DISCLAIMER THAT ISN'T EVEN THAT BIG BECAUSE THE 'FANFICTION' IS SHIT BUT OH WELL I NEED TO FILL THIS SPACE:** I am not responsible for any brain cells brutally murdered in the course of you reading this 'fanfiction.' Any references you find are not mine unless I very specifically say in the footnotes, as the footnote section is now home to little known references that need addressing as well.


	2. Chapter One

Hi my name is Fidelity Saraleanna Anastasia Belledwaja South Mungo Tarriar. **[What. A. Mouthful. And here I am thinking my full name (Alexandra Americus) was bad.]** But i look like bella frim twilite so my friends call me kri like kristen steuwrt. **[That is not something to be proud of.]** I am really pretty with long gorgues flowing black hair sparkling violet eyes **[*buzzing noise* Thank you for playing, but Kristen Stewert doesn't look like that, idgit.]** like limpid pools **[Lolwut?]** and plump red lips like lushess worms **[Lolwut? Wow, second time in one sentence; new record.]** that are reAady to be kissed.

One duay I was waking to scool and on thy day I was wearing a tight blue dress thr was strapless.** [Here we go again...]** I was also wearing. **[Hey, hey - I've got a secret for you, come closer...Nobody cares.]** seven inch neon reddish whitish **[Pink.]** hi heels. They were a color that was red but slightly tinted with whight. **[PINK GODDAMMIT.]** My hair was died bluish yellowish. **[Green.]** And it was in a spolly bun on the top part of my forehead. **[That is one hairy tumor.]**

Any way so I was waking to schoul and suddenly this random weird guy bumped into me and I was tansproted into a place. **[Whenever I read something like this I think of the Krang from the most recent reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.]** Immediately I known that I was in Asgard. You know like the place were the elfs and hobbits live in lord of the rinds. **[...I think you mean Middle Earth...there I go again, correcting a bad fanfiction.]**

Then a totes hottie who was an elf but also looked like a pirate apeared. **[I think she's confusing Legolas for Will Turner now.]**

"my name is Legalis!" he exclaimed quietly. **[One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight...(1)]**

A/N Clifhanger yay **[Nay.]**

**Footnotes:**

Never before have footnotes come this early in a commentary. But this time it's necessary.

(1): That is actually a verse from one of my favorite poems. Here's the whole poem since it is a flaming bitch to find on the web.

Ladies and jelly spoons, hoboes and tramps,

Cross eyed mosquitoes and bow legged ants,

I stand before you to sit behind you

To tell you something I know nothing about.

Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,

There is a Mother's Day meeting for fathers only.

Wear your best clothes if you haven't any.

Please come if you can't; if you can, stay at home.

Admission if free, pay at the door.

Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

It makes no difference where you sit,

The man in the gallery's sure to spit.

The show is over, but before you go,

Let me tell you a story I don't really know.

One bright day in the middle of the night,

Two dead boys got up to fight,

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

One was blind and the other couldn't see,

So they chose a dummy for a referee.

A blind man went to see fair play,

A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"

A paralyzed donkey passing by,

Kicked the blind man in the eye,

Knocked him through a nine inch wall,

Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

And came to arrest the two dead boys.

If you don't believe this lie, it's true;

Ask the blind man, he saw it too!


	3. Chapter Two

**an omg thx omg your so awsomx thans for the good reviw ****[My poor brain cells.]**

'

h

i legles im kri'

'yo' **[*head desk*]**

'omg i lv you'

'want to do the kis' **[Do not want.]**

'ye' **[Really do not want.]**

leglie's kis was so niiiiiissee, it felt like his lips were pasionatyelyy getin to no my lips lol. **[This is a troll fiction, it has to be.]** it was beutiful lol. we did the frickfrkac **[The who the what now?]** 9o874e55fdjuaehwfr **[Is this the equivalent of 'asdfghjkl?' (1)]**

sry my cat satt on m keebord **[Your cat is trying to tell you to delete this fanfiction from the world, get off your fat ass and clean his litter box.]**

an btw im typn this on my ipad **[Therefore there is no physical keyboard for your cat to sit on. You fail, Fail Troll.]** so the autocorret wil help me bncous alot of pople commntede about myt teribel speling. **[Your atrocious spelling leads me to believe that you either turned the auto correct off or you aren't typing on an iPad. Keep digging your grave.]** scrw yu. **[No thanks, I'm good.]**

**Footnotes:**

Criminy, already two footnotes?

(1): A wild danisnotonfire reference has appeared! Look up 'How to Speak Internet' on YouTube if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about. It's really funny. (Not recommend for those under the age of 13, or if you don't have a Tumblr account.)


	4. Chapter Three

**an stfu my writing is fukin fantstic, ****[No, it is not.]**** yalls jut jelus. ****[I think you should read my AP U.S. Government editorials from high school]**** get the fuc out, hatres. ****[Make me. :D]**** omg her name isnt mary-sue, cant yu read ****[Oh yeah, I can read. Very well, in fact. I just can't read inane dribble from an illiterate fail troll. I am learning, however.]**

'leglus'

'ya'

'im pregnollola' **[Of fucking course.]**

'what'

'you herd me'

'but thats not posible elves dont hav childs that way' **[Excuse me. *bangs head against wall* Ow.]**

'you didnt let mef inis leggy'

'wel finish thn'

'its thranduls' **[Someone call Maury or Steve Wilkos, we need a DNA test over here.]**

an sory for da shrt chaptr, it wsw filer **[No it wasn't. It was dribble. Good day.]**


	5. Chapter Four

an pls your really hurtn my fleelings plese **[And you're hurting my brain. We're even.]** no ghate on my6 story, **[Too late.]** tolkeen woldn't hve aproved, **[He wouldn't have approved of your dribble. He's rolling in his grave so fast he's drilling a hole to the center of the Earth.]** hedvbe make you guys into rathes. **[Something that he cannot physically do.]**

'WHAT'

'leg pls don t be upset, i lstill love u' **[We need Maury.]**

'FRICK YOU KRI YOYU SU8C' **[No, seriously: someone call him - this might just be his best show yet.]**

'pls legggogonr mwel raise the child humin'

'BUT ITS MY SIBLING' **[Half-sibling, to be precise.]**

'BUT I LOVE YOU'

'GO TO MORDER BITHG' **[Oh no he didn't...did I seriously just do that?]**

i cried in the corner, my beautifl blu dres ripping as it becms to small. im so alone **[Yes you are. Good.]**

an be back soon! **[All aboard the nope train, we're going to Fuck-this-shit-ville.]**


	6. Chapter Five

an hy gies its bin a wile. ive bin spindin tim wit my bf **[Damn, there really is no hope for me is there? People like this are in relationships and I'm still single? Or maybe it should be a confidence boost, I don't know. I just realized this comment has more words than the chapter itself.]**

i cried 4 dayz. y woud legails do this 2 me **['Cause you're a slut who slept with his father, that's why.]**

i was now dateing thrandrel 2 make him jelis nd it was workin. **[Methinks that it wasn't.]**


	7. ChapterSorry - Chapitre Six

An fuk u alex americas **[I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS! YES! FUCK YES! FINALLY! I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW! This is exactly what I needed after a History Club meeting. I don't even mind that she spelt my name wrong. I finally got hate, flames, whatever you call them. I am doing my job correctly guys.]** u cant paridy my riting ur an idiur **[Sure I can, it's fanfiction - fanfiction is just that: a fan made block of prose that you don't own the rights too purely because the original material that you are spoofing doesn't belong to you in the first place. In short; the original developers own the fanfiction.]**

Guise thnkxs fr supirt **[I saw no support, I only saw trolls. Like me. :D]** thru ThS all i dont no how 2 thk u cuz ive bin havin a ruf few weeks cuz my bf alex brook up w/ me cuz he thnks i m stupit or sumfing bit he dosnt no wat hes mising nd i hv a no bf now and his nom is jake **[Geez, you bounced back faster than my ex-friend in freshman year who had a new boyfriend every other week...and yes I am being serious.]** hes rly cte and he has gorgues red hare its rely soft hes slipin in my rom write now cuz he sleeped ovr last nite and its rally erlay as i rite this but by tha time i pist ThS it mite no b **[It took me fifteen goddamn minutes to decipher this dribble...I'm getting better, and I am not proud of that fact.]**

i sat in the cornet criing cos thandrull. **[Thranduil.]** Dumpt me coz he sed in stooped but scrw him **[...What now? I'm still a little green to troll-speak.]**

it turnt out i wsnt pregnal it ws jst a mol sell **[...A what now? Troll speak is weird.]**

i was stull in th cornea wen 2 hawt gies came up 2 me

'hi im lokie ' one sed **[*face palm* Really?]**

'hi im thore sed the other **[I guess so.]**

' wanna do tha frikfrac ' **[Seriously, how old to you have to be to refer to SEX like that?]** sed thore an loky unanimisly **[Unanimous = a decision without opposition. Unison = together.]**

ok i sed

we did tha frikfrak **[Sex.]**

thay both put there ding dings **[Penis.]** in my hooha **[Vagina. How old are you?]**

an hope u gys like it cos im proud of tha chaptre **[I'm proud with the fact that I ate my hamburger in about five minutes...what? I was hungry.]**

waht r u geyes goin as 4 haloween? **[Well since you asked; I'm going to be dressing up as a Wraith and scaring the daylights out of people on my front lawn.] **

im goin as perrie edwards nd im tryna get my bf jake 2 b zayn malik

lol i luv 1d their my lyfe also so is 5sos **[Of course they are.]**

also the chapter tittle is in french cos i speak french lulz **[Chapitre. That is how you spell it, and I don't even speak French, I used a translator.]**

btw alex americis wtf did u mean buy 1 dark day in tha middel of tha nite? that makes no cents lol **[It's not supposed to, it's an oxymoron; like the word 'bittersweet.' 'Cause knowledge is power.]** and u thnk im dum **[Well with the way you spell that's not too far from the truth.]**

**Author's...whoops sorry - COMMENTATOR'S Rambling:**

Guys, I am so happy right now. Someone fed me.

In case you guys didn't know, I do consider myself to be a troll. I make fun of things for piss people off just for laughs. So, if anyone takes this seriously - I feel bad.

It's my job to piss people off, or make them laugh whichever comes first. So when I get something like "Fuck you AlexAmericus" I get all giddy, and I feel warm and fuzzy inside because I did my job correctly. This was just the kind of thing I was waiting for; yearning for. Hate mail. I love hate mail, I love it - it makes me laugh, yet at the same time lose hope in humanity a little bit.

Now, I know that by responding to this, I am feeding the troll right back. Good.

Also, one last thing before I go work on my second draft for my advertisement analysis:

To the author: **dracoinletherpants**

I don't see why you're upset. By commentating on your 'fanfiction' I'm giving you free views, I'm upping your popularity. Just how you are with mine. This is a mutual benefit here. You get my views, and maybe some others because someone else told me that you updated; and I get yours, as there is no way you could've possibly known that I made a Two Dead Boys reference without reading my commentary. No way in hell.

You are benefitting me as well by addressing me directly in your writing. Albeit you spelt my name wrong...twice, but you still addressed me directly. I'm benefitting you in the same way by addressing you directly as well. Like I said, mutual benefit.

Have a good night everyone.

Happy Halloween, go scare some people Minions. No seriously, it's fun. Do it.


	8. Chapter Seven

an god alex america **[How many times are you going to spell my name wrong when it is ****_right in front of you_****.]** i ws sensring tha sex **[Why? The 'T' rated implies that you're audience is aged 13 years and over...kids younger than that know what sex is nowadays.]** im 18 i no wat its aciatly cald **[Then say it. Prove to me that you as mentally mature as you biologically are.]**

also gyes my bf dumpet my but i hav a new bf his name is adam **[...*face palm* Why am I not surprised?]**

also its hard 2 tipe cos i broek me finger but i wantd 2 update so ya **[Your point? I've typed and rode horses with a sprained wrist...numerous times. It might be carpal tunnel though. I'm rambling.]**

lol im lisening 2 fireproof rite now its so gud **[And I'm listening to Ozzy Osbourne. Goody gumdrops.]**

i was now dateing loke and thour lol leggy was too jelis **[Has this turned into a polyandry(1) fiction?]**

but i was faling 4 both of them and leggy 2 and also boromer nd gmili nd thrandrel **[Wow. Polyandry **_**and**_** incest? I'm physically sick.]**

i didnt no what 2 do so i textd my bff back home **[Phones don't exist in Middle Earth, therefore your advanced technology would be rendered absolutely useless.]**

me- i hav a prblm

tara- wat **[...O.O Oh dear.]**

me- i m in lov wit 7 gies **[Goddamn, polyandry up the wazoo.(2)]**

tara- thats horible **[I tend to agree.]**

me- i m dateint 2 of em nnd 2 is my ex

tara-o no

me- wat shud i do

tara- get anuther bf or 2 **[*double face palm*]**

me- k

im now dateing frodo bilbo nd gandilf **[I am emulating a meme right now if you couldn't tell already by my previous comment.]**

an guys me sister is plaing loud music nd it sucks **[Loud and proud. ****_*Bark at the moon*_****]**

ug liek bitc no budy lieks hailstorm **[I should look that up...Hmm...Pretty decent, but I still prefer Ozzy.]**

also i loked at tha stats nd ther r peple from astralia reding ths wich is were lord of tha rigs is from **[Correction: New Zealand.]** i want their a few tims cos i liv nere they're in new calidonia

i askt 2 go 2 tha lorde of tha ringd plase but my mum gave me a wierd luk so i ges its rly expencive or sumthin **[You ****_guess?_**** Air travel is priced up the wazoo! Have you been under a rock?]**

i also hav veiwers from new zeland so hi neibour **[And I found out today that some man in Saudi Arabia secretly admired me on my social experiment MeetMe.]**

**Footnotes:**

(1): Polyandry - where a woman is married to more than one man, or has more than one boyfriend as used in this case. It's not entirely correct, but it's pretty close.

(2): 'Up the wazoo...': I know the correct phrase is 'up the ass' but I like saying wazoo. I'm not censoring 'ass,' I don't censor anything. My World History teacher said this and it stuck; he actually had Wazoo Points where he would dock points from your grade if you got on his nerves. A similar thing happened with my English II teacher. He said 'indeedily' a lot and it stuck; it isn't a word, but oh well.

**Commentator's rambling:**

I must get back to my advertisement analysis Minions, but please keep me updated if anything changes; I try to stay on top of things however. I'd appreciate it. I know you guys have lives, but I get a little busy with college, especially with Digital Photography.

Thank you very much, and Happy Early Halloween as I didn't think this would be updated within twenty four hours.


	9. Chapter Eight

**Commentator's Rambling:**

Oh crap, it's at the beginning again.

Just forewarning you guys that this new installment will either be extremely snarky (more so than usual) or very lackluster. Why? I'll tell you the short form.

-Went on a harsh two hour hike to Roger's Rock with a friend.

-Ended up taking the wrong trail back and got lost for two hours.

-I fell...twice...the second time I fell right on my thigh and scraped my arm and hand.

-General soreness and fatigue slowing us both down. It also didn't help that I already have bad knees and the fact that I was limping from my fall.

-Ended up at a campground about a mile away down the mountain from where my car was parked.

-We were both so tired (and in my case, injured) that we resorted to hitchhiking.

-We succeeded in getting a ride and we got home safely without me falling asleep at the wheel.

So, this commentary will be so snarky it's acidic because I don't want to deal with anyone's shit. Or it will be lackluster because I'm too damn tired to deal with this shit.

That was my day in a nutshell, carry on Minions.

**End of Ramble**

a/n- sry its ben so long **[I much rather would've preferred it if you didn't return, but I am not god.]** but ive been spending time w/ my new bf mitch **[Place your bets on how long this one will last.]** and also i startet waching sherloc an it has frodo **[You do realize that his real name is ELIJAH WOOD, right?]** as watson so ya btw this chappie isnt edited **[You mean to tell me that the other ones were edited? That hysterical.]** also thnks to anon for saying that this is a masterpeice **[They're lying to you, you know. Trolls tend to do that.]**

CHapter 8

'legly im sry for wat i did too u' **[That does not excuse you from polyandry, woman.]** i sayed

'its ok sence you apologised' **[Fuck that bullshit, stone her.]** he sayed back\

'can we get back together? ill dump thor loki gimli frodo bilbo aragorn thrandril mary pipin elrond arwin angrod arien boromir boromir boromir **[I don't know whether to laugh or face palm by the fact that she mentioned Boromir three times.]** bill bob longo mungo pansy **[Parkinson?]** fosco bungo boris caranthir durn elmo elfwine elboron galador galadriel gandalf the doctor sherlock watson newt alby seamus finigin **[When will these bad fanfiction authors stop tainting my childhood?]** elfaba harry potter fluttershy dean winchester superman han slo **[You couldn't even spell Han Solo right, I am ashamed on behalf of the whole **_**Star Wars**_** fandom and franchise.]** galahad jack harkness **[Who the fuck is he?] **(hes so fukin hawt tho to bad hes gay) **[Too bad he's gay? You selfish little bitch.]** brendan urie patick stump pete wence harry styles liam payne louis tomlinosn niall horan zayn malik **[And now I know the names of everyone in One Direction, something that I never thought would happen nor wanted it to happen. Granted, I'll probably forget in a few days.]** gollum **[The fuck?]** marty mcfly jamie dornan lorgan dr moon iron man castiel twilight sparkle pinkie pie and rianbow dash.' **[*stopped giving out fucks a long ass time ago*]**

'k' he siad. **[...When did Legolas become the epitome of stupidity? Oh yeah, that's right, since the dawn of bad fanfiction.]**

a/n- btw i cant beleve harry styles is bi! **[I can...who is he again?]** what if me mitch and him had a 3some ;) **[The Westboro Baptist Church would picket.]** lol jk


	10. Chapter Nine

so me andleggypoopants **[*snicker* Sorry. I had to laugh at that ridiculousness.]** went on a joureny to do something or another **[*slow clap* Very descriptive. Bravissima.]**

suennly a narwal pulled out a gun and shot at frodo **[So now Frodo's finally in the picture, but why? This 'chapter' is totally unrelated to everything else.]**

but then i jumpt in frony of the bullet **[I just got an involuntary flashback from My Immortal. That is definitely not what I need at five in the morning.]**

'oh noes' said leggypooples **[*face palm*]**

i got shot i said **[...Absolutely nothing because the 'chapter' will end in about five seconds.]**

i blacked out **[What'd I tell you? This shouldn't even be called a chapter. I have a feeling this person is doing this on purpose now.]**

a/n- hi lol im kinda drunk rite nowww **[*smacks with Harsh Reality stick* Bad. Very, very bad.(1)]** lulz but im makin this a short chappie **[This isn't even a chapter, the whole thing is just your drunken ramble that you might not even remember after your hangover.]** so i can get back to my bf jordan **[Place your bets, folks.]** but tanks 4 over 1,000 veiws **[And on the subject of sappy, unwarranted thank-yous: thanks to you guys for informing me that this had been updated. Though it's a little late because I went to bed early last night due to exhaustion caused by an unknown push factor, who cares? I don't.]**

**Footnotes...for the extremely short memorandum-like 'chapter':**

(1): If you wish to know the reason of why I reacted this way, send me a private message. This involves a matter that I am not comfortable sharing to the wide public.


End file.
